


Scotch & Sarcasm

by Veldeia



Series: Malt & Mockery [1]
Category: House M.D., Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crossover, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Snark, potentially a bit OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-11
Updated: 2008-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:05:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veldeia/pseuds/Veldeia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two snarky jerks share a rare peaceful moment in the midst of their messed up lives. Who knows what will come out of it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scotch & Sarcasm

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been debating with myself about posting this series here, because one little comment of bad feedback about characters being OOC (back in the day when it was written) made me dislike the whole thing. But now I reread it, and seriously, it's not all bad. I do think it has some redeeming qualities. It's not perfect, but then again, most fanfiction isn't.
> 
> Thus, here it is, now: the weirdest pairing I've ever written. This is also the first piece of even remotely slashy fic I've written (parts 1 and 2 are pretty much pre-slash, though). The stories sort-of take place after [Iron and Irony](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3970423/chapters/8906965), but are sort-of AU to that, and should work just fine as stand-alones. From House's point of view, the fic takes place after the end of Season 4 of that show.

Gregory House, MD, took a sip of the ridiculously expensive single malt Scotch, the ice clinking softly in the crystal glass, and melting all too fast in the warm sunshine. True, Scotch whisky was hardly the most suitable drink for the occasion, sitting on a deckchair by a swimming pool under the Malibu sun, but House had never been one for fancy cocktails. House had also never been one for doing house calls, no matter how many idiotic puns one might get out of that, but as work appointments went, this one definitely wasn't bad.

Actually, being here was about the best thing he could've wished for right now, when things were such a mess at home. It wasn't a big relief that the skull fracture House had suffered in the bus crash was mending well. It felt completely insignificant, because Amber was dead, and Wilson had hardly spoken two words to him since it'd happened. Damn, House really didn't want to think about it.

He turned his attention to the slideshow of pretty girls and even prettier cars scrolling on the computer screen on the table next to him. He took a lazy glance at the unremarkable, uninteresting medical readings on the window next to it, just so that he'd feel like he was actually at work, and concentrated on the other window, which now showed a remarkably pretty (not to mention ample-bosomed) blonde posing in a red bikini on the hood of a classic Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa. Oh yeah, not bad at all.

House's pleasant idleness was cut all too short, when a red and gold figure broke the surface of the swimming pool and climbed somewhat clumsily out of it.

"So, how's it look?" Iron Man rumbled in his low, metallic voice.

"Just wonderful... Oh, you mean the medical data?" House replied with a smirk.

Iron Man lifted off his helmet, revealing the slightly sweaty face of Tony Stark, his dark hair tousled, his eyes sparkling with a mixture of irritation and amusement. "Yes, that's what I'm paying you for, and I wouldn't trust your judgment on anything else. That picture's just cheap. Don't know how it got in there. Jarvis, probably."

"Considering you programmed that AI yourself, that's a very bad excuse," House quipped.

Stark didn't counter that one directly, but chose an unexpected approach: "Anyway, House, I'm really surprised at your chastity. I'd have thought you'd go straight for the porn."

"I was afraid I'd find pictures of you naked in there."

"Oh, I see, and you were scared they'd turn you on?" Stark winked in his best playboy manner. "I'm sorry, House, but I can't help being irresistible. Now, I'm going to change out of the suit, and when I get back here, I expect you to have at least some sort of a medical opinion on the suit's underwater performance."

Stark clanked his way across the poolside and disappeared indoors, leaving House alone. Just out of curiosity, he started skimming through the pictures on the computer. It took him some time to find one of the sort he'd been looking for, and it actually wasn't among the adult stuff, but in a folder titled "Promotional". It was a picture of Tony Stark, apparently naked, though with critical parts blocked from view by one of the five gorgeous girls in tiny bikinis he was posing with. A fine collection, really, a brunette, a blonde, a redhead, a black girl and an Asian girl, each of them different, all of them with perfect bodies and striking face. Still, to his amazement, House realized that as attractive as the girls were, his gaze kept returning to Stark.

Stark really was a good-looking man, House had to admit that. The picture was clearly from a time before his captivity in Afghanistan, because there was no arc reactor in his chest to take the eye away from his well-defined muscles. It might have been from several years back, since there seemed to be fewer lines on Stark's face. His brown eyes reminded House uncomfortably of Wilson, though on the whole, the two men were so different and Stark's personality so compelling that just being near him was enough to take House's mind off his partner. His former partner, House had to remind himself. House and Wilson had had something very good going on, but then Amber had showed up. Gradually, Wilson had pushed House away and all but abandoned him, never even telling Amber the whole truth about their relationship. Now Amber was dead, and Wilson might never forgive House for it.

Luckily, before House slid too deep into his gloomy introspection, Stark returned. "Having fun, are we?" he hailed House, who turned to look at him, and didn't even bother to try to hide the picture on the screen.

Stark was now wearing frayed jeans and a sleeveless black shirt that didn't quite cover the glow of his arc reactor. He actually looked even better than in the picture, because there was a maturity about him that was lacking in the photo. How someone managed to look both so boyish and all grown-up at the same time was beyond House's comprehension, although he knew another person who combined those two qualities as well - Oh, come on! House cried out at his subconscious. Why couldn't he just quit thinking about Wilson already, he was not a lovesick puppy torn apart by guilt about Amber. He was coping just fine.

"Just trying to decide whether to gouge my eyes out with a sharp stick or to scoop them out with a spoon," House answered Stark, hoping the younger man hadn't noticed the few beats it had taken him to pull himself together.

Stark sat down on the deckchair at the other side of the table, and set a decanter of Scotch and a glass on it, pouring himself some. "I can help you come up with some more exotic options," he offered. "But before you start self-destructing, I expect you to give me that professional opinion I called you here for."

"Well, obviously, you're in good shape, the pectoral muscles look really good, the biceps are nice. The rectus abdominis could use some more work, if you're going for a real sixpack," House pointed the muscles out from the picture on the screen, thoroughly enjoying provoking Stark and eager to hear what sort of an answer he'd come up with.

"Didn't I make it clear I don't trust your judgement in non-medical matters? That's an old picture, and I look fat in it," Stark commented. "I'm flattered you're so smitten with me that it distracts you from your work, but I'm still waiting."

House clicked the medical readings open on the screen. "I just didn't want to tire you, I know how horrible you ADD kids get when you're bored."

"I'll rather be an ADD kid than a grumpy old gramps so demented that he keeps forgetting what he's supposed to be doing," Stark riposted, and moved his chair so that he had a better view of the screen.

"Says the man who can't remember his social security number," House returned. "And this really is boring," he waved a hand at the screen. "All readings were nominal all through the test run. If you ever need to chase bad guys at the bottom of a swimming pool, you'll do just fine."

"Okay. That's all I need to know, now I can move on to some real diving. It should be fine all the way down to 130 feet. After that, I'll need to start thinking about different gas mixtures, and it'll get more complicated."

"You'd better consult some experienced divers before you go on with that, and you'll want to have me around when you start experimenting with deep diving, there's a lot of risks involved," House noted in a professional voice.

"Worried you'll lose your most profitable patient?"

"No, just trying to pretend I'm actually doing my job. I'm the medical advisor and that was medical advice. Now you'll need to pay me for opinions on two matters instead of just one."

  


* * *

  


"I'll pay you in Scotch. This stuff is worth more than what you're getting from this assignment," Tony replied to House's latest wisecrack, and poured him some more of the vintage Macallan.

"That's fine by me," House replied. "It'd be pearls before swine if you drank it all by yourself."

They fell silent, sipping their liquor. Pepper had headed out of town, to meet with some old friends, apparently to vent her thoughts about him. It was just Tony, House and Jarvis at the mansion right now. A week-end off with the boys.

House was definitely amusing, and a great distraction from all the difficult stuff Tony had had to deal with lately. As if it wasn't enough that he was plagued by nightmares and guilt over all the mistakes he'd made, and kept running into his weapons everywhere, two new stashes popping up whenever he'd gotten rid of one, there was also his relationship with Pepper. The more serious it got, the more complicated it grew. It'd been all fun and games when they'd been stuck in a hospital room together. After that, they'd had weeks of uncertainty and flirting, circling each other like vultures.

Finally, they had admitted things to each other, slept together, and she had moved in to live with Tony at the mansion. He had hoped it would simplify matters, but it had done the exact opposite. They didn't know how to behave around each other anymore, their daily routines disturbed by the fact that their relationship was no longer just a professional one. In all his life, Tony had never had to deal with a relationship as serious as this, and he was quickly learning that he totally sucked at it. Talking about his feelings was a concept alien to him, and Pepper's constant need to make plans for the future was also something he didn't understand. He'd rather face the days as they came than waste time worrying about things like meeting relatives or going to parties together, or the media response they'd get when their relationship became public knowledge. There was some truth to the saying that "men are from Mars, women from Venus". It really was like they were from different planets, or spoke a different language. Sometimes he felt all alone even though Pepper was sitting right next to him.

"Don't you ever feel lonely?" House suddenly asked, his tone different from anything Tony had heard from him so far. Almost human.

"Huh?" Tony uttered, the surprised expression escaping him before he managed to put together anything witty. House's question clashed too well with Tony's thoughts about Pepper, almost as if he'd been reading his mind. "Little emo moment there?" he said, trying to cover his slip.

"No, I mean, you're one of the very few people I've met who can offer me any competition in wits," House continued with surprising sincerity. "I may be an old cripple and you a middle-aged superhero, but we both stick out because we're too smart for our own good."

"I've got friends - there's Pepper and Rhodey, and Happy.... But yeah, you do have a point. I do feel lonely, sometimes," Tony replied thoughtfully. "Like I could use the company of someone who's closer to my wavelength."

"My thoughts exactly... Hm," House said, and stared at the glass in his hand. It was empty again. "This stuff is dangerous. Just listen to us," he shook his head. "We're pathetic."

The scariest thing was, Tony wasn't even all that drunk. Seriously, pull yourself together, he told himself, and answered House, "You started it."

"You actually gave me an honest answer," House remarked, returning to their usual banter as well. The strange, solemn moment was gone.

"How do you know it was honest?"

"Too late to try and pull it back."

"Oh, come on, you actually believed me?"

"You're a bad liar, and you weren't even trying."

"Like I would really spill my guts to you."

"I'm a doctor, I'm good at dealing with spilled guts."

"You'd make a lousy shrink."

"It doesn't take a good shrink to figure out how messed up you are."

"Just speak for yourself, doctor 'I hate everyone, but not nearly as much as I hate myself.'"

"You're just describing yourself there."

"I don't think all people are jerks and liars, I just think you are."

"Coming from the most widely known jerk in the whole country, I'll take that as a compliment."

"You know, Greg - can I call you Greg?"

"No one calls me Greg except for my mother and my ex."

"I'll call you Greg. Just go on and try to call me 'mom'. So, Greg, you never answered me when I asked you if you're single."

It was a spur of the moment thing for Tony, he hadn't been planning on saying that, but unlike last time, he was actually half serious about it. He definitely wasn't homophobic. He might not declare himself bisexual right away, but at least bi-curious. He had had sex with Rhodey, several times, though they had been young at the time, and mostly drunk. They had dropped it when Rhodey got himself a steady girlfriend, and they never talked about it these days. Besides, Tony had never really felt sexually attracted to Rhodey, as much as he loved the man as a friend.

House, on the other hand, was older than Tony, and not exactly handsome, but as grating as his personality was, he had such charisma that Tony had never met anyone quite like him. It was also true that he was one of the few people Tony knew who were as smart as he was. Despite their antagonism, or maybe because of it, they had some real chemistry between them. And House wasn't that bad-looking for an old guy, with his lean frame, piercing blue eyes and scruffy gray stubble.

"I wasn't, but then I killed his girlfriend, and now I am," House replied slowly, and Tony couldn't quite figure out whether he was being serious or not. "I know you aren't single, though, or did you ditch that assistant girl already?"

"Whatever gave you the impression that I'm strictly monogamous?"

"Well, in that case..." House said, and without further words, without any warning, leaned closer and pressed his lips against Tony's. An innocent little kiss, no tongue, much gentler than Tony would've expected from House, but it was galvanizing. Tony tilted his head and opened his mouth slightly to make it last a moment longer. Beard and stubble rubbed against each other, tickling deliciously. House's lips tasted like Scotch.

They pulled back and stared at each other, both wearing a somewhat stupefied smirk.

"It was an empirical experiment," House explained. "I've never kissed anyone with that much facial hair."

"Nice, wasn't it?"

"Like kissing a dog. You should shave it."

"Definitely not going to happen, I need to have something to keep you from being all over me all the time."

"It's not the looks, it's the personality," House said, not elaborating whether he meant they kept him interested or that they pushed him away. "Anyway, I'm going to have to abandon you soon, my dear Tony," he added in a mock sentimental tone. "My flight leaves in an hour and a half."

"You sure you don't want to stay any longer?" Tony suggested, and as shocked as he was by it, he had to admit he was actually being earnest. They might have something worth exploring here.

"You sure you want me to stay longer?" House replied with another question, sounding as sarcastic as ever.

Tony gazed at the older man for a good while, twisting his mouth from one side to the other. The air felt electric with anticipation. Yes, he did want House to stay, at this very moment, because it might be a lot of fun, and that was usually more than enough for him. Now that House was asking, he considered it some more. He knew it could also mean trouble. Lots of trouble, and not just because they both had other relationships to deal with, but because they were all too similar. If they started something, and things went wrong between them, it would be nothing short of spectacular.

"On second thought, maybe you'd better go," Tony finally answered, keeping his voice casual.

"I thought so too."

"I'll call Happy to drive you to the airport. You can choose the car."


End file.
